How would Trump have reacted to Pearl Harbor?

Franklin D. Roosevelt took to the airwaves on Dec. 8, 1941, to tell us we were at war.

But imagine he didn’t announce that Japan had just bombed Pearl Harbor. Imagine that, instead, he said there had been only a “minor disturbance in the Pacific,” that it was “nothing to worry about,” and that the problem would “just go away.”

This is how Donald Trump has approached the COVID crisis.

The difference? In four years of World War II, a total of 291,557 Americans died in combat. Thanks to COVID, the nation is on pace to match that total in just one year.

Imagine that Jimmy Carter pretended the Iranians hadn’t abducted American hostages. What if he’d blamed China for the crisis instead, or suggested that Ronald Reagan was really behind it because he wanted Carter to lose the 1980 election?

Imagine that George W. Bush hadn’t visited New York after the 2001 terrorist attacks, but instead said they weren’t really that bad. Imagine that he downplayed them by saying most of the people who’d died were senior citizens, and that almost no young people were killed.

What if Bush had been at the Pentagon when it was hit, and emerged with a few flesh wounds, saying, “I survived, so anyone could have”?

Those dead people? They were just weak.

I wondered what FDR’s “day of infamy” speech might have sounded like if Donald Trump, the denier-in-chief, were president. Here’s what it might have sounded like.

Yesterday, December 7, 1941 — a date which will soon be forgotten — the United States of America experienced a minor disturbance in the Pacific that the lamestream media say was an attack by Japan. Fake news! Don’t listen to Sleazy Tom Dewey! A total tool of China, which hates Japan!

This fake news was leaked by a traitor, and that person is going to go through some things! Bigly!

I know because, one hour after this bogus story came out, the Japanese Ambassador sent our great Secretary of State a wonderful reply to our recent message of friendship. He said there would not be any war or armed attack. He said it very strongly, and I believe him!

The Emperor of Japan loves me. He even sent me love letters! I will not send our wonderful troops to war, but will bring them home. China will not use these losers to hurt your favorite president.

Look how far away Hawaii is from Japan. Why would they want to attack it? It is obvious that no plan to do so ever existed. Why would Japan try to pull the wool over my eyes? They know I am so much smarter than they are. They wouldn’t dare!

Yesterday’s disturbance in the Pacific caused virtually no damage to our tremendous military suckers. No American lives were lost, except for a few elderly people who would have died anyway. In addition, reports that American ships have been torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu are not true.

There are acid telegrams between Sleazy Tom and China that prove they have been working together to spy on me. I call on Japan, which hates China, to find these telegrams if you can! They will prove that

China launched an attack against Malaya.

Last night Chinese forces attacked Hong Kong.

Last night Chinese forces attacked Guam.

Last night Chinese forces attacked the Philippine Islands.

Last night the Chinese attacked Wake Island.

And this morning the Chinese attacked Midway Island.

Then they went away. It’s a miracle!

The fake news media say a lot of Americans have died, but those numbers would be lower if they didn’t take them to the coroner to count them!

China is trying to destroy your great president. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the United States know better than to believe the fake news.

As Commander-in-Chief of the Army and Navy, I have directed our fine losers and suckers (what’s in it for them, anyway?) to stand back and stand by!

No matter how long it takes, I will protect us from the leakers and traitors who hate me, and I will win an absolute victory. I will never concede! The only way I won’t win this war against China is if it’s rigged! Sleazy Tom Dewey should be in jail.

Hostilities exist, but they aren’t my fault! There is doubt that my enemies want to put me in danger. But I won’t let them!  

I alone can fix it, and we will be winning. Always winning. You’ll be winning so much you’ll get tired of winning.

Because of this unprovoked and dastardly attack on me by China, I am declaring a state of martial law. I demand that my tremendous attorney general arrest Sleazy Tom Dewey immediately, and all the other terrible traitors who hate me. Lock him up! Lock them all up!

President Donald John-Boy Trump