50 annoying celebs who should retire, and what they should do with their lives

You all know them. You may wish you didn’t. Or that they’d go away — I know I sure do. I don’t wish them any ill (most of them, anyway). I just wish they’d retire from public life because they’re more annoying than a piece of popcorn stuck in your teeth and more overexposed than a roll of film (you remember those) that’s been left in the sun all summer. In Alaska.

But I’m not totally heartless. I’m including some suggestions on what they might do with their lives once they’re blissfully absent from the public eye. The possibilities are almost endless, and most of they have enough money from being famous for being famous (or, in some cases, for actual talent) that they can afford to do whatever they want.

Just stop inflicting yourself on us. Please.

Stephen Baldwin — Learn to be more like your brother Alec. Then you’d be only very slightly less annoying.

LaVar Ball — Practice humility. Until you get it right. Good luck with that.

Steve Bannon — Shave. Just shave.

Skip Bayless — See “Gordon Ramsay.”

Justin Bieber — Work very hard to convince us we’re not Stuck with U.

Tom Brady — Experiment with deflating golf balls.

The British Royal Family — Abdicate. And get a real job.

Kirk Cameron — Convert Zen Buddhism. Maybe then you wouldn’t be such a growing pain.

Tucker Carlson — Open a bowtie shop in Siberia.

Ted Cruz — Go back to Cancun. And stay there.

Mark Cuban — Try swimming in an actual shark tank. Or singing “Baby Shark” for the rest of your life. I don’t know which would be worse.

Miley Cyrus — I honestly don’t care what you do as long as it doesn’t involve “twerking.”

Diddy — Pick one name and stick with it. You can read the phone book from cover to cover for inspiration.

Matt Gaetz — Become a televangelist for a network no one watches. You’ve got the look and the bullshit.

Marjorie Taylor Greene — You know the “anon” part of QAnon? It stands for “anonymous.” Be that.

Benny Hinn — Heal thyself.

Jared Kushner — Next time you go to Saudi Arabia, just stay there.

Bill Maher — Take some real time off and go on a very long vacation. With Samantha Bee.

Ted Nugent — Go hunting for musical relevance.

Dr. Oz —Follow the yellow-brick road. Maybe the wizard will give you a brain.

Sarah Palin — Throw a tea party for yourself on the farthest Aleutian island. Where you can see Russia. And don’t invite anyone else.

Dr. Phil — Write a new doctoral thesis on the following topic: “How publicly embarrassing people on television is actually good for their mental health.” I dare you.

Franklin Graham — Reread the Bible. I think you missed something.

Sean Hannity — Go back to painting houses. You’re really good at whitewashing and covering up the truth.

LeBron James — Practice playing basketball without whining or making “constipated sad face.”

Anyone named Jenner — Go eat your Wheaties.

Anyone named Kardashian — Change your name to Cardassian and return to your home planet (geeky Star Trek reference).

Lindsay Lohan — Try being more like Jamie Lee Curtis, but in real life this time.

Johnny Manziel — Do anything, really, except repeatedly eating up headlines with failed attempts to re-create your college glory days in the pros.

Mitch McConnell — Take an ethics class. Or twenty. It should take you the rest of your life to grasp the concept of integrity, and I’m not saying that because you’re old. Meanwhile, you could audition for The Turtles. I have a hunch you’d be Happy Together.

Piers Morgan — Stomping off stage at Good Morning Britain was a good start. Now stick to your principles and stay away.

Nicki Minaj — You know that mixtape you made called Beam Me Up Scotty? Really do that. Go explore the galaxy. Have fun.

Elon Musk — Wanna go to Mars? Fine by me.

My Pillow Guy — If your pillows are so great, spend more time sleeping on them and less time giving the rest of us nightmares.

Joel Osteen — Reread that part in the Bible about mammon.

Jake Paul — Fight Canelo Alvarez. Or Tyson Fury. Have fun with that.

Logan Paul — See “Jake Paul.”

Rand Paul — Go back to medical school and this time actually learn something about health. (What is it with these guys named Paul, anyway?)

Brad Pitt — Take lessons in how not to look smug. Just don’t take them from George Clooney.

Vladimir Putin — Defect. (In this case that’s a verb, not a noun... I think.)

Gordon Ramsay — Be nice. That’s all. Just be nice.

Geraldo Rivera — Keep exploring Al Capone’s vault. I’m sure you’ll find something if you search long enough. That’s right, keep looking...

Pat Robertson — If you were gay, I’d tell you to stay in the closet. Otherwise, God might punish the rest of us for it with another round of COVID. Come to think of it, stay in an actual closet anyway. Didn’t Jesus say something about a prayer closet? You won’t bother the rest of us in there.

Zack Snyder — Make a director’s cut of your memoirs. You can title it Zack Snyder’s autobiography of Zack Snyder. And you can make it reeeeaaaaalllll looooooooooong.

Tim Tebow — See “Johnny Manziel.”

Donald Trump — Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. (Also, see “LaVar Ball.”)

Donald Trump Jr. — Take an IQ test. This will be hard for you. It should keep you occupied.

Ivanka Trump — Become an apprentice to someone with actual talent.

Kanye West — Practice singing “Bohemian Rhapsody” right. Good luck with that.

Mark Zuckerberg — Sell Facebook. Buy a desert island. where there’s no WiFi. And go live there.

Stephen H. Provost is the author of Please Stop Saying That!, a humorous lexicon of overused words and phrases in popular culture. Or, if you don’t like his sense of humor, try one of his more serious books. They’re pretty good. Seriously.