“You don’t belong here. This is your fault.”

That’s the message many on the left have been sending white people, especially white men, for years as they seek to remake America in a more diverse image.

“There’s something wrong with you.”

Imagine these words coming from the mouth of a parent who disapproves of his child’s sexual orientation or career choice (“You’ll never make any money that way.”) And imagine that child being marginalized because she’s different. Maybe she’s kicked out of the house, or maybe she’s just kept at arm’s length because she’s seen as an embarrassment because she’s not like all the rest.

Deprived of a true family, she craves connection — a substitute — and maybe she finds it in a cult that claims to accept her without condition. Yet the conditions are more demanding than she could have imagined. She must surrender everything: her money, her belongings, her independence, perhaps even her sexual self-determination, and most crucially, her very identity, all in exchange for acceptance.

Because it’s better than feeling alone; than feeling unwanted, exploited, and demeaned by those who were supposed to accept her.

Shame on us

This is how marginalized groups have felt for centuries in American society.

But it’s also how white Americans can feel in a diverse, liberal setting. Most of us — those of us who have a conscience — are appalled at the injustice and inequality people of color, women, and members of the LGBTQ community have endured over the years. Our first inclination, on seeing something like the excruciatingly cruel death of George Floyd, is a mixture of horror and compassion. Our first instinct is to love our neighbor as ourselves.

Then, however, we’re told by judgmental liberals that this is somehow our fault. That we’re guilty of white privilege, and that there’s something inherently wrong with us.

That may not be the intent of the message, but that’s how it comes across, and that’s how it’s often received: We should feel guilty about the color of our skin, because we as a group did that to George Floyd. And we’re responsible as individuals because we belong to that group. Not because of our values, but because of our identity.

Suddenly, we’re the ones who don’t feel like we belong in this diverse family. Compassion fades, replaced by defensiveness. And when we try to protest that “that’s not me” or “not all men,” we’re ridiculed as “tone deaf” and ignorant of our own privilege. There’s something inherently wrong with us, even if we don’t see it. Suddenly, we feel like we don’t belong, even though we share the values of equality, justice, and compassion expressed by the people who are condemning us.

Why bother?

Is this kind of racism against white people (and that’s what it is) of the same magnitude as the racism that created slavery and Jim Crow? Of course not. Do people in minority groups that have been — and continue to be — disenfranchised and marginalized and beaten have every reason to distrust people who look like me? Of course they do.*

I’m not arguing against any of that. Nor am I arguing against the idea of awareness. If I’m offending someone, I want to know about it so I can change my behavior and be more respectful. But if I’m told that I’ll “never understand,” I might start saying to myself, “Why bother trying?” If my identity is the problem, not my behavior, I clearly don’t belong here, because I’ll never be good enough. Maybe I’ll go somewhere I’m wanted. Somewhere I’m accepted unconditionally.

This is the emotional reaction many white people feel when confronted with the liberal culture of blame. They feel shamed and unwanted. In this emotional state, they’re highly vulnerable to overtures from cultish groups who will accept them based solely on their identity, just as those liberal groups rejected them. White supremacist groups, like other cults, are all too willing to oblige — as long as you surrender your individuality to the group’s sick identity.

This is why I’ve been so adamant that we focus not on white privilege, but on compassion toward people of color — on behavior, rather than identity, as the key to bridging the gap; on finding our common humanity within our diversity, rather than finding reasons to hate each other. The issue isn’t anyone’s identity; that’s a red herring. The issue is the hate.

Focusing on identity just reinforces people’s defensiveness and allows that hate to fester. And, ultimately, grow.

Defensive reaction

How many open-minded people wind up feeling so shamed by liberal identity-blame that they embrace racist extremism? It’s hard to say. But the defensiveness is real, and many who don’t wind up in bigoted cults will feel caught in a Catch-22: The side they agree with will never fully accept them, but they don’t agree with the side that would.

They’ll be damned if someone’s going to hold them responsible for things they abhor and had no part in because they happen to be white. They hate segregation and police brutality. They despise the fact that people of color are discriminated against and that women make less than men do for the same jobs — if they can get them. But precisely because they abhor those things, they want no part of the bigoted cultists, either. So they throw up their hands and stop caring. “I can’t make a difference,” they say, “so why should I bother?”

Here’s the problem, though: It is your problem, and mine, and ours. Simply throwing up our hands is what got us to this place, so clearly, we’ve got to start doing something differently.

Here’s my suggestion. The racists won’t listen to me, but maybe a few of you liberals will: Stop focusing on blaming potential allies. You’re triggering their defensiveness with your culture of blame and your talk of white privilege, when you could be activating their empathy by focusing on the horrific toll of racism. If you’d rather have obedient foot soldiers than allies, keep doing what you’re doing. Just remember: That’s exactly what the purveyors of hate are doing, too.

You can fight fire with fire, or you can try to extinguish it. The choice is yours.

*Often, though, it’s guilt-ridden white elites who work hardest to shame other white people.

Stephen H. Provost is the author of “50 Undefeated: Overcoming Prejudice with Grace and Courage,” available on Amazon at www.amazon.com/gp/product/B089T8Q25H.