I’ve never understood anti-Semitism. I mean, most bigots who go in for “-isms” just hate a group of people and leave it at that. It’s sick and disgusting, but it’s straightforward.

The far right’s anti-Semitism is so convoluted, it seems like a mad mixture of fawning adoration and sheer loathing. No one ever accused far-right wackos of being either sane or compassionate, but still...

Let’s start with the obvious: Jesus was Jewish, and most conservatives say they love Jesus. (So do a lot of Democrats.) Hey, what’s not to love?

Well, for one thing, he was Jewish, and conservatives seem to have this thing against Jewish people. I mean, Marjorie Taylor Greene thinks they used a space laser to start the California wildfires a couple of years back. What could be more horrific than that?

Maybe the Holocaust, but we won’t go there, because too many nutjobs on the far right still deny it ever took place, and there’s no arguing with crazy.

But exposing crazy is another matter, and this is pretty damn deranged. With the kind of conspiracy theories these loonies come up with in order to castigate American Jews, they might have gone all the way and claimed that the supposed “space laser” was really a giant laser pointer designed to drive all the cats in California bonkers. Or a futuristic Hanukkah candle financed by Kim Jong Un to be tested for next year’s on Christmas.

Except they like Kim Jong Un. At least Trump does. Sometimes. (They exchanged love letters, right?)

Or maybe that Hollywood hellion of progressivism, Stephen Spielberg, hijacked his friend George Lucas’ Death Star and pointed it at the Golden State. But hey, if the lefties really wanted to burn someplace down, wouldn’t they have chosen someplace other than their own capital of decadent liberalism?

Contradiction upon contradiction

None of this makes any sense. It’s like an episode of The Twilight Zone on acid. (Not that I’ve ever been on acid, but I have seen The Twilight Zone enough to know it’s weird enough when you watch it sober.)

Just like it makes zero cents to love on Jesus and hate all the rest of the Jews. It’s like the KKK decided to claim Malcolm X as their patron saint. Yes, I know: They try to whitewash Jesus by making him out to be some dirty blond blue-eyed Euro dude, which is pretty unconvincing. But that aside, they don’t deny he was Jewish. A long time ago, bigots used to blame “the Jews” for the death of Jesus, but it’s not as if that’s still a thing.

On the contrary: Today, conservatives absolutely love the state of Israel. They love it so much they throw billions of dollars at it, and not just to protect supposed U.S. “regional interests.” It’s also because American evangelicals see the state of Israel as God’s chosen vehicle and Israelis as de facto gatekeepers of the Second Coming. Yes, they killed him the first time, but now they want to bring him back. Supposedly. Although no citizen of Israel will tell you either one of these things is true.

Regardless, it’s not just Jesus who gets lotsa love from conservatives, it’s Bibi Netanyahu and a bunch of other Israelis who are just as Jewish as the American Jews they claim to hate precisely because they’re Jews. Yet they also rely on those Jews to make big donations to the Republican Party in exchange for their support of Israel.

But what happens when some of them support Democrats instead? Oh, watch out!

Billionaire Democrat donor George Soros might as well be Herod Antipas, the way he’s vilified by the far right. I could understand if they were pissed at him for his political views, but instead, they revile him because he’s Jewish. Like WTF?

You like Jesus, who was Jewish, and all the Jews in Israel, but you don’t like this guy, not because he donates to Democrats, but because he’s Jewish. Tell me how this makes sense.

Or don’t.

Just tell me it’s another batshit crazy example of self-contradictory lunacy from mindless minions like Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Up Schitt’s Creek

It reminded me of this piece of dialogue from Schitt’s Creek, in an episode called “Bob’s Bagels.” Johnny Rose, played by Eugene Levy, tells gung-ho would-be entrepreneur Bob that he can’t just open a bagel shop because “a good bagel would need to be made the real way.”

The scene then unfolds as follows.

Bob: “Well, you certainly know how to make them the real way, because you’re...”

Johnny: “...Jewish?”

Bob: “I wasn’t sure I could say it. But boy, you all do love your bagels! I mean I do too, and I’m not even...”

Johnny: “Jewish. You can say it, Bob.”

Bob: “I don’t know why, it sounds like a swear. What’s the one you can’t say?”

It’s hilarious, and it captures the absurdity of conservatives’ cotton-headed confusion over their own bigotry perfectly. They love Jews when it’s convenient, like when they make a good bagel or offer salvation to mankind, but blame their Jewishness if they crucify that ... er ... Jewish savior (actually, it was the Romans who did that) or donate money to the “baddies.”

Ruminate on this for a moment: In the first century, Israelis were evil because they were Jewish; today, they’re good for the same reason. But American Jews like George Soros are evil because they’re Jewish, unless, of course, they give money to the GOP, in which case their Jewishness is just swept under the rug. Or celebrated the way Republicans celebrate Black party members, as if to say, “See? We’re not really racist! Some of our best friends are Jewish.”

I’m not sure where Eugene Levy falls. Does he qualify for an exemption to all this absurdity because he’s Canadian? Or because he’s funny? I gotta tell you, I don’t think there’s anything that could make me hate on Eugene Levy.